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Thursday, October 13, 2016

The first year of my life without my father

It has been a year now my father has left this beautiful world forever and went away from us. My dream ruined and everything spoiled as I was about to reach for him during that time. It had been already seven years I hadn’t visited him after coming to the United State.

I was shattered and broken down into thousands of pieces, but I had to fight with the circumstances that destiny gave it to me. I had a little baby boy he was only a year at that time. I would have gone if he was little bigger, but everything must have already predetermined that what happened to my life. My father was very excited to see his grandson Mukkum Hang but the heartless god didn’t listen to my prayer, neither she allowed us to enjoy our moment after I had a baby.

All of my siblings had already had children and only the concern remained for my parent was me. I focused my career and foreign study. Times flew so fast, I even didn’t realize my parent were wondering when I would have a child. I came to know the truth how happy they became when they heard the news I was having my little one. That was the greatest moment of my parent and they must have realized that their incomplete dream was fulfilling.  But when I confirmed the ticket to fly to Nepal and it was only 15 days away on the same date of today he ran away leaving my Mom alone and all of his children and grandchildren.

I always have a regret  that I couldn’t fulfill my father's desire. Even I try to forget that moment a lot, but it is very hard to delete from my mind, I feel so sad thinking that moment. I would have done as per his wishes, but my destiny was so cruel because it couldn’t let me do them. If I knew that truth, I could have done many things for my father, but I was waiting to see him first before doing all of the stuff I was thinking to do myself in front of his eye. I wanted to make him happy with what I would be doing. Unfortunately, only the regret remained in my heart forever.

I hide all of the memory of my father because whenever I see his pictures, his books and anything that reminds him and makes me sad. I have hidden his photo that I have framed inside the box, I couldn’t decorate that in my room. I have hidden his books that he has written in the drawer. Whatever the  materials bring me back to  my father world, I want to keep them away. I don’t want to be sad all the time because I have my own life  and I have to live in my present and I have to embrace my truth.

It is the toughest time for any children to  accept the father's death. No one can imagine how hard it is until we face with our own. It is easy to give sympathy and express condolences, but that is not easy to face by our own. But whatever the difficulties come in life we have to accept the truth and have to bear the sorrow. Nothing else is there except becoming strong. I wanted to cry very hard to spell out my sorrow among the people and outside in this world but I had to control myself.

I had a little boy to whom I had to take care alone and had to spend my time alone. Sometimes, I felt so miserable at that time, even my spouse who was with me didn’t know how to console me and treat me during that tough time. I can’t forget the moment that I spent. I couldn’t cry,  I couldn’t drop my tears, but even I didn’t get any mental treatment from the one whom I expected. The world was only teasing me for my loneliness and distress with clapping the hands hiding inside my sorrow.
From the next day, I determined myself be very strong and decided not to cry and be sad. I forgot my father death for a while, I forgot that my father was not in the earth, I tried to treat myself as other ordinary people. Because whenever I felt my father is not in this world anymore, I found myself insecure, miserable and poor. In order to remove them from my mind, I had to forget and fill my minds with other contents. I bring all of other materials to fill my mind because I had to be strong and determined and had to reach Nepal with a little boy on my lap.

That was the lesson I had learned from my father. My father was very brave and courageous. He is determined and thoughtful. He used to tell us the story of his struggle how he went away from home in order to have a further study. I had a great desire to capture his true story of a struggle because when I was young I remember a little bit, but never tried to capture on paper for the future reference. When I became an adult and enough to understand and thought to keep all of the memory, but it was already late because I couldn’t see him again. My curiosity and all of my thoughts remained within myself and it became the unresolved curiosity forever in my mind.

Dad! wherever you are, please rest in peace and keep us blessing being our God. Please forgive me for not being able to see you at the last moment of your life. Even you are not with us, you are safely placed in our thought, in our mind, and in our heart and will be remained there forever!