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Saturday, May 19, 2018

While flying beyond the skyline

Sometimes the loneliness teases the life, even though I am not alone as I am surrounded by the various people around. The feelings expand so high that reach beyond the skyline and leave the land of the reality and dip down to the spare where life exists only with the help of little percentage of oxygen. It is not all the times,  but I am sure the mood of everyone goes up and down to the hill. I
know many circumstances are out of the control which couldn’t be what I think and what that's supposed to be. Many thoughts go out of the imagination without any valid reason.

My imagination drives me that I have been hauling with the procrastination, the dream of being the own boss by setting a business and working under own mind has always remained in a dream as it is going far away in my real life.  The commute to the work from home and back to home, taking care of the little child and taking care of myself propel me exhausted and tired that I always end up doing no additional passion expect regular duty and the household chore. When the imagination flies in the sky, I only able to catch my dream in the castle of fantasy to make everything true there, but in reality, everything runs away crossing the power of my control.

I observe the situation and always expect someone if he had done this job at home, I would have plenty of time to have better up something. But in fact, my expectation becomes the cause of my misery and sadness. I double think about the situation and try to be stronger and stronger every day to be independent, to live the life without expectation and hope with someone, but next day again, my mind releases the same tendency letting me remember why someone is not helping me if I have shared my love, my life, my thoughts and everything with him.

No doubt, everyone life is not that easy and not that simple. I always try to make my life easier and more comfortable  for the sake of my child which is not only mine and also not only his but he is our son. I also try to be loyal, kind, understanding and compromising on every situation, but I don’t know how the radiation is again reflected in my mind and push me back to have the same way of expectation. I don’t believe that every man and woman possesses the different  roles as we two work outside and earn the money for our family and for our future. To be honest, from one corner of my heart I always feel the discrimination because of the role that is set by the system of patriarchal which I can’t understand why people still consider. I don’t mean;  I am so embarrassed and so helpless because I am always trying from my side the best result for my child and my family which is possible only with the compromise, understanding and working together with each other.

This is only my personal matter that many people may believe the secret stuff which need not share, but I feel relieved writing my sadness, my sorrow and pain out here. It heals me, puts some ointment and takes me out from the misery. Of course, I am not trying to choose the alternative in my life for the betterment rather I am trying to improve myself looking back my own weakness, setbacks, and flaws. I don't want to hurt anyone for my own comfort and joy, but want to have the shared values, responsibility, respect and commitment to the relationship that I have deserved. It is for sure, I will make the best one day, but sometimes I am smacked into the pieces when I fly beyond the skyline!