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Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Celebrating the victory

Meditation picture from Google
I had expected the day of that victory would be glorious and filled the moment with the exhilaration and all the ways surrounding delightful and fascinating, but ironically it came with the hidden sorrow, panic, and anxieties. Though I have a notion in mind everything happens for a good reason.

Sometimes, I might have overestimated myself and thought I was the one with a heart of love and full of sympathy but contrary of these notions I find myself so cruel and heartless. In fact, I am not that kind, I always try to see the big things with eyes and wider vision. I respect the people with different opinions and understand how people think of themselves they are right and speak standing on it.

It was the issues of pet turtles. We brought at home before my Mukkum came to this world. They were so cute and beautiful looked green in color. Initially, they were in the size that both would come inside one palm. They were adorable and amazing. Kept on sailing in the water beautifying the place where they were. We were only two my husband and me during that time. I liked their presence even though it was not decided by me. I was little frantic with him because I thought he ignored my presence and didn't ask a word before bringing them at home.
I had a great respect for him and accepted his sole decision to make them our family members. They kept on growing slowly and our new member our beloved son arrived in this world. After having my baby, I stayed home and realized that the presence of the beautiful turtles was giving annoying smell sometimes. I asked my husband to remove them and put them away, but he never cared about what I was telling him. I fought with him several times and even didn't speak with him about a week due to the same reason. I found so measurable and helpless for not listening to me. I asked my baby pediatric to tell him it's not wise to keep it at home, but the doctors said he wouldn't make words for private matter rather asked me to convince him myself.

Life was going on and kept on moving. Once in a week, I fought with him because of that same issue, but he always told me he loved them more than he loved me. I became furious what he told me and one day warned him I would leave if we didn't have our child. He said that's okay. We spent about three years, sometimes enjoying with the little turtles, but most of the times debating about their presence talking the advantages and disadvantages. I always pointed him telling the disadvantages and that we had to spend to clean them every day.

It was last week he agreed to give them away to whoever wants to take. The day before yesterday when I was at work he called me and said he was giving them away to his relatives. I became happy and said okay. When I returned home and felt some emptiness in my home when the little turtles were already gone away. I was feeling emotional and somehow saddened due to their absence. In the meantime, he arrived and said; " I hope you won't scold me anymore as I have given them away for the sake of you even though I liked them so much". I felt so guilty and became speechless. I had thought I would celebrate the clean home after they would be gone away, but I was feeling guilty and sad.

This is how I am celebrating my victory alone. My heart aches sometimes thinking the beautiful two animals who had been the part of my home, but I didn't like to keep them. I thought they could enjoy in their world and we were not the components to tamp them within an aquarium. I tried to tell him sorry but became wordless. This is how my victory went on. It was not my purpose to hurt him, but I was desperate to save time and to keep the home clean and calm. Also, it was taking a lot of places that I could use for other stuff. I am assuming what I did was for the sake of my family and everything for the sake of them as well. Sometimes still his words squirrel inside and I freak out with anxious.