Saturday, September 3, 2016

The Hunger for Love ( A Short Story)

‘Professor Limbu! Wow! I am proud to be your friend as you have grasped in a renounced spot even it has been a long while that I haven’t seen you’. I had learned about Nilaja from her Facebook profile. And sent a message when I saw her online.  " Thanks for that. I was pondering you most of the time, you didn't see me because you forgot me" she replied. ‘How can you say I forget you? If so, how could I catch you today?’

 “Leave it whatever,  it's gone now and we are in our respective lives with own responsibilities” She responded. ‘It's true we have our respective lives, but we were a classmate and that doesn’t change whatever circumstances could be right?” I asked her. She kept quiet for a while and wrote me back, " yes it doesn't but we are bonded by the different contexts that are distinct than what we were before. ‘I do understand about it, but I want to talk to you doesn't mean I want you to recall the past’ I insisted on being continued.

She replied; “have you ever imagined how tough was that moment when you left me and never returned back? I waited for you every moment, every day. I would be waiting your message every single second, but I lost my hope when you forgot to drop even a single word about you. Since then I lost faith in the man and I don't believe any man of this world. I had dived deep inside you but it was in vain. I married to someone just for the sake of my parents and for their happiness  but not for myself. Because even I am a strong, confident and independent woman, people in our society still have believed that daughters should go away from the parents' home and make their own knotting the tie with a man and their family. I tried to avoid this mentality and wanted to make the changes on this concept. But I failed when my father was caught by cancer. I had to fulfill his last desire that he wanted me to marry with the guy whom he thought was ample for me.” She wrote a long text in a single message.

‘I am sorry to hear that, you married just for your father’, I lamented her for that cause.  Again received a long message “I used to see you on my way to work, on the bus, sometimes on the road and on Facebook, but everything was just my illusion as you were very far from me physically. I knew you had already belonged to someone, but still, I was looking for you everywhere."  ‘I am sorry Nilaja, I am feeling guilty of breaking my words’ I was a little slow to type. She was sending me almost the double volume of messages at the same time.  “You are not sorry and I am not meant you to make you feel bad. But whatever the circumstances hauled me, I am just sharing my experiences. No one is guilty and I am not blaming anyone for that. If it's someone that is only I  because that was not the way to be blind to your love, to be contingent on you and to make my thought on that level of the canopy for you. I was innocent at that time. If it could be now, it wouldn’t go that's way crazy for the love and I wouldn't lose my hope if someone betrays me that way. But I was miserable and almost half cracked at that time. It took me a long time to arrive here at this stage."  Again a long message from Nilaja.

‘I am glad you are strong now’, I sent a short message.  “Stronger than that time, my temperament and mentality have a great strength now. I lost the belief in any relationship, but I care myself more than any other stuff in this world. I used to give the priority to others, but I changed my mind after then”. I was just thinking how to start to tell my story so she would at least realize why I changed. “I got to go now I will see you next time". I wanted to keep her a little longer because I never had an opportunity to explain why that happened. That was not my intention to halt her heart and to break my words, but I was obligated to neglect her due to the situations that I encountered. ‘Could you please hear something from me?’ I requested. “ I don’t have any more hunger for love” Then she left.

Nilaja and I were the classmate of the same class since our colleague and graduated together in the same year. During our college lives, we had a dream for foreign study and we joined the TOEFL together and applied for the US visa. Unfortunately, only my application was accepted and I was only granted the visa to come to the US. I didn't want to come leaving her alone as we had a common dream and thought, we were in love for a couple of years and started to make a hallucination together. Even she was sad because of her rejection, she was happy on the other side, at least I got that opportunity and insisted me to go.

I assured her if I could do something for her after I arrived in the US to comfort her during our separation. Our expectations ruined in the soils, as I couldn't find a way to bring her with me. Initially, we used to meet almost every alternative day. As I wasn't working on those days, she used to call me from Nepal and we were still happy for chatting and sharing the pain and pressures even though we were very far by physical distance. I had to face many complications to maintain my status. I was allowed to work only 20 hrs. per week, which wasn't enough to pay for college and support the living standard here. My mother’s sister was in NY as I spoke with her and told the exertions and she asked me to come to New York with her.

She researched a little bit about preserving student visa or doing something to have a permanent card of this country. My mother also asked her to find a way to settle me permanently here, as the situation of Nepal was very bad due to Maoist insurgency and economic downturns. My aunt found a way for me to remain lastingly here. But I was shocked when I heard from her. My aunt met a girl Jamila who had come to the United State by diversity visa and she was looking for someone educated like me to marry. My Aunt thought it would be a way to marry her so I didn’t have to work hard to maintain my status and didn't have to wait for a decade-long for my permanent card. I refused that proposal and she spoke with my parents. After then my parents pushed me hard to marry with Jamila not only for the document but also for my better future as my Aunt had told them she was a nice girl. I pledged to them I would rather return to Nepal as I had already given the word to someone, but none of them favor me.

I was a single son and only the sole hope of my parents and all of their responsibility was in my head. I didn't have any intention to break my word, neither I had planned to betray her, but regrettably I became the flirt to her because I had to choose my parents. It wasn't my purpose to hurt her, but I was constrained and indebted to marry with Jamila to whom I have been spending my life. I didn't have any courage left with me to write to Nilaja, rather I decided to be away from her forever. That's how I spent my own journey of almost a decade-long since then

Today Jamila went to the party with her colleagues and I became alone at home. While checking the FB, suddenly I saw the picture of Nilaja whom I had decorated in my heart long time back and still the same respect and thought in my mind even though I am married to someone physically. I tried to tell her the situations that I went through but she ran away shortly talking with me. She went away but my heart is filled up with distresses and sorrows that I hurt someone without any purpose. Only the sentence has remained with me and repeating frequently “ I don’t have any more hunger of love”. The end

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