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Sunday, May 1, 2016

The last letter to my Father!

My father is my inspiration, motivator, and the role model. I am so sorry Dad! at the very last moment of your life, I could not even say you even a good bye. I had a huge pile of a dream to share with you, to discuss with you, but all of my curiosities remained unresolved. I knew you were excited to see your grandson that you hadn’t met since his birth. Therefore, I thought to visit you as soon as possible, but unfortunately, it didn’t work out. You ran away before I caught you. You left this world without meeting me and your grandson forever. I felt so wretched Dad. I regretted why I could not have visited you before. I had dreamt of seeing your happiness after putting him on your lap. I had an imagination of your bond with my little boy which would forget your physical agony.
Late Harka Raj Chongbang
Mom said you were planning to clean the house, paint the house and fix everything before we reached there. You wished to make sure everything would be okay, so your daughter and grandson need not face any trouble, but the heartless god didn’t allow you to do all of them. She picked you quickly, seized our happiness and destroyed our contentment. I didn’t have words to express to anyone at that moment. I stopped doing anything because I became like all of my limbs alienated. I felt disable without the power of thinking, without hope, without any dream, without any brain. I found everywhere dark, but, I had to control my feeling. Even in the hard time I couldn’t cry as much as I wanted. I had a little boy to handle and had to prepare all of the stuffs to go to Nepal. In addition, I had to convince my Mom whom you left behind alone for the reassurance and compassion. I had to persuade her to erase her loneliness, I had to make sure she is okay even though was not okay. Consequently Dad! even though I wanted to cry so hard to hear my pain to the sky, but I was unable to do that. I wish I could take revenge to God asking why she took you away without any notice, or any clue? But those became meaningless. I found myself defeated for not being able to expose my sorrow. It is all accumulated inside of my heart, which is worse than crying that make me suffocated.
I am thinking about a song that you interpreted as the suppression of the ruler to the general people and indigenous people. The song was about “ Mutu Mathi Dunga Rakhi Hasnu para chh” You used to tell us that we were laughing even if we knew the government was against us. I understood your theme at that time, as we were laughing, hiding our truth as we didn’t have a way to stand against.
The same thing happened to me, I was laughing in front of the people feeling a big pressure of stone on my chest. I used to play a role in the family to make them feel nothing had happened to us. We were okay, nothing wrong went on with us, but its a very true we have to leave this world in the same way one day. Thats why Dad! I couldn’t cry even in front of your cemetery, I couldn’t cry at the last moment we were farewelling you traditionally though my heart was broken into thousands of pieces. I became very strong among all that is what I had to be. If I kept on screaming, I knew how my Mom would feel and how my Aunt would do and other family members.
Dad! I had very especial gift to you, I had a dream of bringing you here in the United State and would like to settle here with me. You were in my thought to discuss all about our history and I had an immense quieies about your past life. While sitting after dinner and lunch that you used to tell us the real story of your life, how you started your struggle and how your dedication dragged you to the success. That has been the most powerful tool to move forward in my life. You are only one single inspiration in my life since I was very young and you are the reason behind of me where I am standing here now.

Your contribution to the community is tremendous , you lived your life meaningful and showed the directions to your kids which we have kept in our minds. Still the people where you served more than 30 years are realizing your hard work. I heard a lot from the neighbor in Kathmandu, they were missing you a lot. If you were alive for a couple of years, many problems would resolved soon as per their opinion. According to them god don’t let the good people stay longer that was what happened
After your departure, I couldn’t do anything. I just did whatever was needed to live. But you know Dad! the world is so vast and competitive now. I cannot stay all the time wasting in vain. So, please dad give me to resume my strength back to me so, I could handle with challenge of his world. Only the fittest one can survive in this world, thats why I should be the one to survive and struggle for my existence. This is the first day I am opening my blog after your departure, I hope you are with the god and have been our god, please keep on blessing me to have a faith in myself and to use my strength to live a meaningful life. You will always stay in our hearts, in our thought and in our mind Dad! please rest in peace.

Note: My Father served as a teacher in Sanghu-4, Taplejung for 30 years on Shree Narayani Higher Secondary School. He was living and working in Kathmandu but went back to the village to serve and became the principle of the school. His dedication played a great role to establish and build the school at that level now.